The Oscars Hour 1
2/27/2007 7:34 PM
Well there’s been ballyhoo from the rabble. Demands for my annual Oscar review…the gala…the pageantry…the audacity of millionaire actors who have yet to graduate from high school telling us all how are supposed to live. In hopes I capturing the beauty of my quips…I time lined out the night

The Pre-Oscar fun begins with Chris Connelly, Lisa Ling and some Effeminate, Over-Enunciated, black guy hosting. I think Oscar Wilde only wished he was this gay as Mr. Over-Enunciated Black Guy.

7:04 Naomi watts & Nicole Kidman appear. Nicole Kidman is asked what is it like to win and Academy award and she states "People world wide more aware of you". And the first moronic statement of the night is tossed and WE HAVE A GAME!
7:05 Naomi Watts hides herself in the shadow of Kidman who towers over her like Blonde Kong. Her demeanor reminds you of the girl you have to talk to at a party while your best friend is banging Nicole Kidman on the pile of coats in the other room.
7:06 Nominee Jennifer Hudson is talking to Over Enunciated Black Guy. He begins to fascinate me. He is hitting every syllable so hard it hurts. He is seen in extra footage shopping with Jennifer Hudson and I swear I saw him in a cape.
7:08 Penelope Cruz is looking great however her accent seems less Latin and more Borat than anything.
7:13 Over Enunciated Black Guy is talking to Will, Jada and Jaden Smith. He says “Cuul” to sound “street” to Will. Wills son seems as fascinated and confused by Over Enunciated Black Guy as I am…I wonder if he saw the cape.
7:15 They begin scrolling trivia/info lines below the stars as they walk in. Cameron Diaz (Her debut was in The Mask...”Before she lost 4pounds and every curve that I used to think made he attractive.” I say to one in particular.
7:17 Over Enunciated Black Guy interviews “Cate Blaaaaaaaaaaaahnchetttttttt!” while the rest of us prounounce it as Cate Blanchett.
7:18 Eddie Murphy arrives is interviewed and seems more than a little high. He appears more relaxed…chemically so than Peter O’toole on a tour of the Jameson Distillery.
7:21 Commercial where Andie McDowell tries to convince us she used to be in movies.
7:22 Scorcese is going to win its in the air. I make a note to myself to now refer to him as “Marty”. Everybody seems to in a very pompous way.
7:25 Kate Winslet is interviewed they mention she is naked in "Little Children". I make note to see "Little Children" although I think her appeal to me is 98% accent. That and she is into Sam Mendes and he looks like he’s at least 2 pants sizes bigger than me.
7:26 Helen Mirren arrives and the first real actress has appeared. She’s a little older but brings it like an ACDC concert.
7:28 Over Enunciated Black Guy signs off with syllables and diction that makes me diagnose him as operating on 28% brain function.
7:30 The awards starts with a montage of nominees. Could it be “Marty” will be wearing a normal sized pair of glasses tonight?
7:35 My hope of normal glasses is shattered. They are enormous and look like they should be on the Hubble.
7:36 Ellen DeGeneres (EDG) opens her monologue. Dicaprio looks like he doesn't get her jokes and bored. I've seen EDG do much better. I think Nicoloson is bald.
EDG goes for the first political joke. I give it a 7 out of 10 and she telegraphed from a mile away. The crowd laughs a little too hard.
7:40 Time for a showbiz number!!! And it STINKS!
7:45 Kidman and James Bond present for Best Art Direction. I like the guy who wins …seems in genuine awe as his little “thank you’s” trembles in his hand.
I waffle on Kidman sometimes I think she’s hot and sometimes…like tonight not so much.
7:48 Maggie Gyllenehaal, who is married to Peter Sarsgaard, together they are most powerful names on a scrabble board.
7:49 Commercial break…I wonder if I'm hungry and I also think that I would definitely have sex with Maggie Gyllenehaal before Nicole Kidman but I'm afraid I'd catch an extra vowel.
7:53 Will Ferrell song "A comedian at the Oscars” Jack Black joins. John C Reiley…is awesome.
7:54- They gave some awards and stuff nothing particularly funny to me
8:06
8:06 Sands of Iwo Jima montage I regret not seeing it in the theater. As it concludes they cut to Eastwood for reaction shot and Speilberg looks like he wants to say something poignant but pulls out at the last second this catches Clint going “WHA---?” Directorus Interuptus.