NYC: Crazy Cabbie
7/30/2006 8:44 AM
Crazy Cabbie and The Theater Crowd.

Gentle readers the offices of Rad World, in strictly a ratings move, have gone to New York for the weekend. It’s my second trip to New York. Previously it was during the winter and those of you that know me would be surprised to hear that I like New York. Previously any attempts to visit here were met with a resonating “Hell no”. Too crowded. Too expensive. I saw “Do the right thing” in 1988 and a lot of bad things happened in lat movie and that was in New York…so, you can imagine why I didn’t want to come. But much to my chagrin that our last trip here was a lot of fun that we wanted to try it again in the summer. In stead of braving record setting cold we are here during a record setting heat wave. Its certainly a different kind of heat…a little heat that’s similar to the sweat that pools in your lower back when you are stuck in traffic. We have the same humidity back home but here it does seem exponentially worse. It could be the 80 people that are crammed together on the sidewalk. It could be the 220 lbs I’m lugging around on this frame o’ mine. But the heat does hit you here…like a slow, soggy, wet punch in the face. After a few blocks it wears on you…the worse part about it is that you see the same put upon look in everyone you pass on the street. Oh…we’re all in this together. I’m jumping ahead. Our arrival found us touching down in Laguardia and encountering a cab driver from at best another planet. At worst…he was clinically insane. As hew lept into the cab and greeted us three times….”Welcome To New York!” He offered one of my companions a news paper if he wanted to know the news. I know some of you will say that I’m jumping to conclusions on the man sanity to you I’m saying…You were not in that cab. When he wasn’t welcoming us to New York he was saying “Believe me” and “I’m telling you”. Its always a danger sign when some one asks you either “Are you religious?” or “What religion are you?”. It always seems to me that they are prepping themselves for an argument to gauging how offensive they can be to you. It was the third thing our cab driver said. Believe me. I’m telling you. You may start to feel sorry for me but I don’t. Feel sorry for my traveling companion you was unfortunate enough to get in the front seat of this episode. After showing us the “news” and asking us what our uninformed opinion on what we think of crime? Um…I’m against it. This of course led into another multiple minute diatribe on the state of crime. To which he says “When I am president…”. Believe me…I’m telling you. This then leads to the conversational minefield of politics. Our friend tries to make a safe, neutral opinion by saying “Well to be honest. It seems like there’s not a lot of difference between the 2 parties”. It’s a good stance to take but unfortunately its playing right in Crazy Cabbies hands. “Oh…there is world of difference between the two parties. Believe me…I’m telling you. He then details out these differences. You’re reading this thinking “wow, it was quite a cab ride”. Oh…we are only in the first 3 minutes of a 20 minute ride. Although he does sprinkle some comedy through out the trip. “It’s depressing coming to New York from Jersey. You can smell the corruption.” We reach the toll which means our arrival is not far. Before this trip is through he gets a gift for the lady. By getting a present he means...Stopping his cab. In mid-day traffic in downtown Manhattan, getting out of his cab, crawl under his cab and get a white hat that’s found its way into the street. It’s a nice gesture in a Frankenstein picking flowers kind of way. As he emerged from the cab I was prepared for anything. In my own cutesy macho way I’m thinking “if dude opens the back door I’m starting in on him and not stopping”. I say its cute because the man is built like the Manhattan skyline and any of my attempts to assail him would have been like Bugs Bunny wrestling the “Crusher” in the old Warner brothers cartoons. Where I grapple around his arm and around his head he does a little dance takes me off like a hat and bowls me into the corner where it makes bowling sound effect. So my wife gets a free hat. Believe me…I’m telling you. At some point he promises us the genius discount because we know where Cameroon is. I think we stated. ”Um…somewhere in Africa?” Apparently when he’s not driving cab in NYC he’s commuting back to his fathers Cameroon. Which if you ask me is one of the worst commutes I have ever been told. I thought 45 minutes to Madison was bad. We pass the UN. “Where the liars are?” Finally something I can agree with him on. We careen to a “Blues Brothers”-esque stop. Getting out of the cab we’re glad to be free of our driver’s conversational grip. The temperature is nearly the same as a Japanese Hibachi Grill. Although the Hibachi grill isn’t that humid. It’s a heat that sits on you like a bully. Believe me…I’m telling you