Why do I care...I don't know but I do
4/15/2003 5:23 PM
"JENNIFER GARNER & SCOTT FOLEY....WHAT HAPPENED?" The cover US magazine proclaims. I see and think, "Who the fuck cares?"...But as god as my witness I will be reading this piece of trash within a half hour. I will know "what happened". Until this article I didn't even know Scott Foley existed but by the end I will know that they have had problems for sometime and that he sat at home during the Oscars has recently rented his own apartment near Malibu beach. In contrast to this I have a hard time recalling any of my nephews middle names or what grade they are in. And it shames me. I am a reader...I have read books, big books...not just popular stuff but classics and in depth stuff. Why do I lower myself? I want to blame my wife...She's the one that subscribes to these magazines. But I can't because as soon as this crap hits my doorstep I'm rifling through it reading the so-called "funny" comments they make about celebrities outfits...

"Instead of Nelly...how about Smelly"

Blaming my wife would be like blaming McDonald's for its coffee being hot. I can blame them because it tastes like it was strained through Ronald's sock. No in the end I myself am to blame. Arnold Schwarzenegger (black plowman) is in a thong and I am there. An immense Catherine Zeta Jones crushes Michael Douglas and I am there. Russell Crowe arms his back yard like the Nazis defending Omaha Beach on D-Day...I am there. The thing that confuses me the most about the situation is how much extraneous information I know about B level celebrities. Brittany Murphy, Scott Caan, Jake Gylennal...I have mini portfolios of these hacks in my head. Is it my jealousy? Am I aching to have something happening in my life that I latch on to these magazines in hopes of somehow living vicariously. I hate Eminem...hate, hate, hate him but yet I can clearly picture not only his house now but the house he grew up in. Soon after Princess Diana died...I made a statement loaded full of bravado and self-important nobility.

"I WILL NO LONGER READ PEOPLE!" They are encouraging his paparazzi behavior that killed the Diana.

Why should I care? She wasn't related to me...she didn't do anything that benefited me or anyone close to me...She was a very fortunate person who unfortunately died. Had I never heard that she lived or died would not have affected me in the least. But here I was making a statement that even at the time I knew I probably wouldn't keep.

My life is filled with these jingoistic, idiotic statements.
· "I will no longer support Nike and its pro child labor practices"...I have 2 pairs of Nikes and several shirts made by Nike.
· "I will no longer eat shrimp! They eat refuse and its unhealthy"...I just had shrimp 3 times this past weekend.
· "Instead of the corrupt church I am going to donate directly to Amnesty International"...Sorry Amnesty still working on getting you that first dime.
· "The cowboy hat is single-handedly the dumbest piece of apparel the only people that should wear them are cowboys...and maybe strippers"...You know I think I'm right about this one.

If I check the map I past "the point" about 4 exits back. I know there are plenty of others out there that are like me. Don't hand me that "I only read it in the bathroom"...yeah and you carry it out into the living and finish that article on "How Kate Hudson has the perfect marriage". I'm not buying it. Don't try to tell it to me. My favorite part of US is "They act just like US..." and they show a few celebrities doing average joe stuff. They..."walk their dog"..."pay $8 for a Latte". I know I shouldn't have ill will towards these people but I can't help it. I just fucking hate them. You know what you're not just like me. You are living a prized life and the rub is 98% of you don't even know it. Give me a shot of them picking up dog crap in their yards. Drinking water from a tap...right from tap to mouth...no glass. Or trying to get their shitty car started on a 12-degree day. Then I'll think its cute how they are just like "US". So I will read them. Its just another dark side I'll have to embrace.

By the way they broke up because he was jealous of her career and the fact she was banging her co-star on Alias. Who knew?