The Public Toilet...literally
4/3/2003 4:24 PM
Today I came across yet another infraction in the bathroom of common fucking courtesy....It has spun me off on this rant. What is it with you people? First off, I'm not big with using a public toilet. I'm sure it all stems from my years in school where the bathrooms were about as violent as an Iraqi torture chamber. By the time I reached High School, I had so trained my body that I didn't have to crap between the hours of 8-4. And if there was some breakdown in this system I knew well enough to wait and get excused until class when there was less a chance for an assault. To make matters worse at some point in high school, someone tore the doors of the stalls. I felt vulnerable enough in that public prison there was no way I was going to drop trou in front of those psychopaths. So I held it. All the way home for a 2 mile walk across the city. I got home and I was like Superman in his Fortress of Solitude. I had my Sports Illustrated and my radio.

When I finally got a car it was a brand new world. I could be with in the safe zone in under 5 minutes. But as with all young boys...I became a young man in college and that led to a whole new world of toilet indignities. The worst taking place dateline Whitewater, The Double Dip Deli, St. Patrick's Day, 1990. My best friend had roused me so early in his hurry to get me down town to start drinking. I totally surpassed my morning constitutional. After several Guiness beers I felt the rumblings of my nether regions. I knew I must get myself to a bathroom immediately. There was no way I was using the stall at the bar. It made the bathrooms back in my high school look like the Bellagio in Vegas. Yes, they were far more violent however I was sure the chance of catching a disease was about 80 times more likely then swimming through a drainage ditch in Rwanda...with your mouth open.

Anyway, I told my companion my predicament and he too agreed that the bar toilet was not and option. He recommended a local restaurant...the Double Dip Deli. It seemed ideal. Warm lighting...a health code, plus you could lock the door to the single toilet bathroom and security was at hand...it was go time. We arrived and did the "pretend" look at the menu. I excused myself to the restroom. I LOCKED the door. Sat down and went about the devil's business. Since I was off the home court...it took a little time to warm up before my team could "take the floor" as it were. So I took a seat and waited.

Let me describe the details of the bathroom...there's a sink, a mirror, anti-septic soap dispenser, colorful Holly Hobby-esque wall paper and the toilet. Similar to a private home's bathroom. Similar in the fact there was no enclosure around the toilet...no walls. This really didn't bother me because I LOCKED the door. I was at easy...things had started to rumble through the final phase of my digestive system.

That's when IT happened. The door literally was thrown open. My jaw fell slack from complete embarrassment. I stared out through my early beer buzz and locked eyes with at least 3 different people in the restaurant with whom I was now completely exposed to. The last person being my best friend who now sat at a table directly in front of the door. And you could already see his laughter. The door slammed shut. He was right to laugh...but I....I was as naked and vulnerable as I had ever been. Beaten...sad faced...I gathered myself. I sped through the door and immediately left the deli. He followed a few seconds later. A hoping that I was making it worse then it really was. I asked him.

"Uh...nobody saw me, right?" with a cringe on my face. He replied with the understanding of a best friend..."OH EVERYONE TOTALLY SAW YOU!!! I have never seen a face so filled with terror."

I have strayed a way from my wain point but I think its important you know some of my history in regards to the public bathrooms.

I'm an older man now. I have some years of experience under my belt. So I think I can comment thoughtfully on this subject. Now I go by the "Ostrich" axiom in regards to the public toilet. If I don't see any history of another person using that toilet. I can even sit on the bare seat if I have to. I can then "go". However, any evidence of another human ...the ruse is off and I can't go. So people do me a few favors next time your in the bathroom because I may becoming next.

- If your crap didn't make the first flush...give it a second flush out of courtesy. If I walk in and see a Rorschach test splatter across the bowl. I may as well go home and go back to bed

- If you're a guy and you use the bowl as urinal. Use the utmost care in your aiming and your clean up. The episodes where I have walked in and out of a stall because of this is far to many for me to even start counting

- If you must use the toilet paper make a barrier between you and the seat. When you're done...knock them in the bowl. The last thing I want to do when I enter the stall is to police your ass paper.

- If you have to pick your nose...use the toilet paper and drop the nose goblins in and flush. The number of times I have sat there and gazed at the Manet smears across the stall wall and the wretch I feel in my stomach is more than anyone should bear. The only thing worse than that are the "flickers" that you see splattered on the door. I got Manet doing artwork on the side a Gretzky taking shots at the door.

- Let's take the utmost care in the bathroom at policing your noises. If you have something in you that you have to grunt to expel it then you're about 3 days from dying anyway.

- Can the chit chat! This isn't the ladies room. There are other people in here trying to finish something and we need to focus.

- Those companies with the auto flush toilet give me about 2 more seconds to let the Death Star clear the planet. Every day I deal with the psychological trauma of the dreaded "splash".

Its not much to ask is it. There are so many things that are "out of bounds" on a daily basis I think we could all take a page from this book. That's my rant for now.